Fuck the Dentist - Comedy Sketch

INT. DENTAL ROOM - DAY

A DENTIST walks into the bright room.

DENTIST

Boy oh boy, who do I have here... Darth Vader, is it?

Darth Vader sits in the dental chair and doesn’t respond.

DENTIST

Mr. Vader, when was the last time you’ve been to the dentist?

(motions to his armor)

Perhaps since all this happened?

DARTH VADER

Why do you ask?

DENTIST

How about any pain or concerns regarding your teeth today?

Darth Vader shakes his head.

DENTIST

I see. If you take a look right here.

She points to where teeth would be on the x-rays, but all that can be seen is his helmet.

DENTIST

Your fillings are so old that we’ll need to rip them all out to replace them. And... It’s going to cost, after taking your Sith Lord insurance into account of course, about eight hundred credits.

DARTH VADER

That’s absurd, what do I look like a super rich Sith Lord?

He reaches to touch the mouth area on his helmet.

DARTH VADER

I told you nothing hurts in my mouth.

DENTIST

Ooo, I really hate to break it to you but it’s totally going to, if we don’t fix it immediately.

DARTH VADER

Oh. No.

The Dentist flips through her notes.

DENTIST

Right... another issue I need to address are your gums.

DARTH VADER

What’s wrong with my gums?

DENTIST

They are extremely inflamed and need a special laser therapy. This will prevent-

(playfully taps his shoulder)

You from getting gum disease.

DARTH VADER

How much is that?

DENTIST

Fifteen thousand credits. You know, give or take.

Darth Vader raises a gloved hand, but the dentist cuts him off.

DENTIST

Your Sith Lord insurance won’t cover this either.

Darth Vader loses his cool for a second.

DARTH VADER

Really?! I mean, really. I can’t afford that.

DENTIST

I can set you up with a monthly plan?

DARTH VADER

I’ll pass.

DENTIST

(sing-songy)

Whatever you say...

(then)

Although, it will be kind of hard to focus on killing those rebel scumbags with gum disease.

Darth Vader just stares at her.

DENTIST

Don’t you want all the pain on your enemies and not in your mouth?

DARTH VADER

Fine.

DENTIST

Goodie! One last thing before we start your cleaning.

The dentist inches closer to him.

DENTIST

Hear me out, you really should consider Invisalign. It will be about five thousand credits but I assure you-

DARTH VADER

No one can see my real teeth. Or my face, you moron.

DENTIST

I just want you to look and feel your best!

DARTH VADER

Is it really that bad.

DENTIST

Very bad, Mr. Vader.

Darth Vader crosses his arms over his chest and shakes his head like a toddler.

DARTH VADER

No, this is where I draw the line.

He tries to use the force to grab his light saber.

DENTIST

Nuh uh.

She points to a sign that says “No Force Allowed.”

DARTH VADER

Fuck this place.

DENTIST

Yeah, I get that a lot. But you’re sure? Not even a teensy weensy bit of Invisalign.

He solemnly looks up to the x-rays, contemplating for a moment.

DARTH VADER

Fine. Now, start my cleaning now or I’ll murder you the second I get out of here.

The dentist laughs.

DENTIST

Oh you’re silly! I’m going to tip your chair back now

DARTH VADER

(to himself)

This is the last time I take a recommendation from Palpatine.

The dentist over hears and gasps!

DENTIST

Did you say Palpatine? We just love him here!

BLACKOUT