Fuck the Dentist - Comedy Sketch
Logline: When Darth Vader visits the dentist he finds not even a powerful Sith Lord can afford dental care.
INT. DENTAL ROOM - DAY
A DENTIST walks into the bright room.
DENTIST
Boy oh boy, who do I have here...
(then)
Darth Vader, is it?
Darth Vader sits in the dental chair with his helmet still on and doesn’t respond.
DENTIST (CONT'D) Mr. Vader, have you not been to a dentist in a while?
(motions to his armor) Since all this happened?
DARTH VADER
Why do you ask?
DENTIST
Well, do you have any pain or
concerns regarding your teeth today?
Darth vader shakes his head.
DENTIST (CONT'D)
If you take a look right here.
She points to where teeth would be on the x-rays, but all that can be seen is his helmet.
DENTIST (CONT'D)
(cheerfully)
Your fillings are so old that we’ll need to rip them all out to replace them.
DENTIST (CONT'D) And... It’s going to cost, after
taking your Sith Lord insurance into account of course, about three hundred dollars.
DARTH VADER That’s absurd, what do I look like a super rich Sith Lord?
He reaches to touch the mouth area on his helmet.
DARTH VADER (CONT'D)
I told you nothing hurst in my
mouth.
DENTIST
Ooo, I really hate to break it to
you but it’s totally going to, if we don’t fix it immediately.
DARTH VADER
Oh. No.
The Dentist flips through her notes.
DENTIST
Right... another issue I need to
address are your gums.
DARTH VADER
(worried)
What’s wrong with my gums?
DENTIST They are extremely inflamed and need a special laser therapy. This will prevent (playfully taps his shoulder) You from getting gum disease.
DARTH VADER
How much is that?
DENTIST
Five hundred dollars. You know,
give or take.
Darth Vader raises a gloved hand, but the dentist cuts him off.
DENTIST (CONT'D)
Your Sith Lord insurance won’t
cover this either.
DARTH VADER
Really?!
(calms down)
I mean, really. I can’t afford that.
DENTIST
I can set you up with a monthly
plan?
DARTH VADER
I'll pass.
DENTIST
(sing-songy) Whatever you say...
(then)
Although, it will be kind of hard to focus on killing those rebel scumbags with gum disease.
Darth Vader just stares at her.
DENTIST (CONT'D)
Don’t you want all the pain on your
enemies and not in your mouth?
DARTH VADER
(through gritted teeth)
Fine.
DENTIST Goodie! One last thing before we start your cleaning.
The dentist inches closer to him.
DENTIST (CONT'D)
Now hear me out, but you really
should consider Invisalign. It will be about two thousand dollars but I assure you-
DARTH VADER
(cuts her off)
No one can see my teeth. Or my face, you moron.
DENTIST
I just want you to look and feel
your best!
Is it really that bad.
DENTIST
Ummmmm...
Darth Vader crosses his arms over his chest and shakes his head like a toddler.
DARTH VADER
No, this is where I draw the line.
He tries to use the force to grab his light saber.
DENTIST
Nuh uh.
She points to a sign that says “No Force Allowed.”
DARTH VADER
Fuck this place.
DENTIST Yeah I get that a lot. But you’re sure? Not even just a little bit of Invisalign?
He solemnly looks up to the x-rays, contemplating for a moment.
DARTH VADER
(sigh)
Fine...start my cleaning now or I’ll murder you the second I get out of here.
The dentist laughs.
DENTIST
Oh you! You’re so silly! I’m going
to tip your chair back now
DARTH VADER
(grumbles to himself)
This is the last time I take a recommendation from Palpatine.
The dentist over hears and gasps! DENTIST
Palpatine! (then cheerfully)
We just love him here.
BLACKOUT