Family Day! - Comedy Sketch

EXT. SURVIVOR FAMILY GAME - DAY

JEFF and the remaining four contestants, ALEX, EDITH, and MIKE, await the next challenge. They’re tired, and hungry, and suffering. Jeff addresses them with enthusiasm.

JEFF

This is it!

(dramatic pause)

Whoever wins immunity today will guarantee them a spot in the finale of Survivor Okinawa. Are we ready?!

ALEX/EDITH/MIKE

Sure./Yeah./Let’s get this over with.

JEFF

But first!

Everyone groans.

JEFF

At this point of the competition I think you all could use a little morale boost. So we invited your-

Everyone starts smiling. A producer cuts Jeff off to hand him a note. After reading it.

JEFF

(to producer)

Are you for real?

The producer nods and Jeff looks down at the note again.

JEFF

(to himself)

Well, there’s a first for everything.

(to contestants)

Alex!

Alex perks up hopeful.

JEFF

Hate to tell you this, but we couldn’t get anyone from your family to come.

(reading note)

Because they all hate you.

ALEX

I knew it. Those pieces of shit.

JEFF

Right. So here’s your dog, Peanut!

A golden retriever comes running out.

ALEX

Peanut! Come here girl!

Alex falls to his knees and rubs her belly.

ALEX

You’re everything baby.

(to everyone)

She was there when no one else was, my first date, my graduation, when I stole thousands of dollars from my father that he was going to use for brain surgery.

EDITH/MIKE

Awww so cute!/She IS everything!

JEFF

Wait, did anyone else hear the stealing part?

Jeff gets handed another note. He reads it and sighs.

JEFF

Edith. So we have someone here for you too.

EDITH

Please tell me it’s my sister. I really need to know if she’s okay. It’s been rough.

JEFF

Ah wrong, your sister refused.

(reading)

She despises your ass.

EDITH

Really?!! Okay, actually that makes sense. I did shove her down the stairs with rage the last time I spoke to her.

JEFF

Uh huh... So we have-

A PA named BEATRIX walks toward them.

JEFF

(reading)

Beatrix. One of our PAs.

Beatrix, with their headset on, runs over to Edith, who’s besides herself with joy.

EDITH

Hold. Up. You’re here right now just for me?

BEATRIX

Of course!

She looks deeply into Edith’s eyes

BEATRIX

Listen to me. You’ve stayed so strong through all of this-

JEFF

Please, you barely know each other.

EDITH

You don’t know what we have Jeff!

Jeff ignores this and gets handed another piece of paper. He is fully defeated

JEFF

Mike, who do you think showed up for you?

MIKE

It’s gotta be my loving wife.

JEFF

No. she told our producers that... Oh shit.

(reading)

If he thinks I would even consider seeing that low life serial killing bitch husband again, he’s more delusional than I thought.

MIKE

Wow.

(jokes)

Why doesn’t she just tell me what she really thinks?

JEFF

So we found this random person at the airport.

A RANDOM PERSON, with luggage still in hand and a neck pillow, stumbles over.

RANDOM PERSON

Yo, what’s up! This is awesome, I love Survivor!

The random person and Mike hug, Mike leans his head on the person’s shoulder.

MIKE

I’m so glad you’re here, whoever you are. It’s been so lonely.

RANDOM PERSON

Shhhh... It’s gonna be okay.

JEFF

Whoa, whoa wait, some of you should all be in jail. In fact, I’m going to call the police right now you, you criminals!

As Jeff storms off, the producer　calls after him.

PRODUCER

Jeez Jeff, way to put a damper on family day.

The contestants all agree.

BLACKOUT